The
base – commonly referred to collectively as Trident – is Scotland’s largest
single employer and contributes £270million a year to the local economy. It
provides 6,700 military and civilian jobs and 11,000 positions are indirectly
reliant on it.
But
Trident isn’t there just to look mean. It’s there as a deterrent. It’s there to
protect us, not to harm us. It’s like having our own big badass-looking bouncer
warning the super villains of the world not to pick a fight.
Why can't all submarines look like this? |
Despite
it being a massive “fuck off” to would-be attackers, the Nationalists - not
content with destroying the soul of Scotland through separation - want to axe
Trident.
It’s
worth noting that ridding Scotland of these weapons is not as simple as just chucking them over the border (and even if it was, nuclear fallout has never, as far as we
know, stopped at national borders and pulled out a passport).
A report by the by the Royal United Services
Institute (RUSI) said that moving Trident nuclear submarines out of a
separate Scotland would be “very difficult”.
Furthermore,
Little Britannia’s very own uncle – now retired – was very high up in the
Ministry of Defence and was based for many years at Faslane (we still don’t
really know exactly what he did, but never mind). He gave us his expert opinion
when we asked if Trident could be relocated: “NO.” That was the end of that
conversation.
Let’s
just assume that Trident was able to be given its marching orders. The chances
are that it would be moved only as far as Barrow in Furness, meaning you could
almost stand at the border and give it a friendly wave if you wanted to.
Before
we go any further, Little Britannia wants to make it clear that we agree nuclear weapons
are not nice. Like most people, they’re not exactly our cup of tea but we do
think: would it not be better to have Trident and not need it, than to not have
it and need it?
“Oh
no, but it’s dangerous,” you’ll hear the Nats cry. The thing is, a nuclear
missile cannot go off unless it is armed - and what most folk don't realise is that Trident's weapons are not armed. It’s
like that tough kid at school who acts all hard then cries when he forgets his
lunch. In terms of being a threat to us, it might as well be a giant cabbage.
When
Little Britannia was Little Little Britannia, we had a Super Soaker
2000, the mother of all water-guns. We mostly used it to terrorise the
neighbour’s cat. But while it might have made us feel like Rambo, unless it was
filled up with water, it was about as threatening to Tiddles next door as a
toothbrush in a sword fight.
It’s
mind-boggling that the Nationalists use “the dangerous nukes” as a campaign
ploy, especially when you consider this: the SNP have agreed with the US to
allow American nuclear subs to sail up the Clyde and park in Faslane in a
separate Scotland. Don’t believe us? Have a wee swatch at Chapter 7 of The
White Paper.
We’re
also a bit miffed as to why the apparently anti-nuclear Yes campaign seem
completely unfazed by the many radioactive facilities we have around the country -
especially when you consider that if a nuclear power station suffered a
meltdown, we’d all be toast.
Scotland
has two nuclear power plants (Hunterston and Torness) and one research reactor
(Dounreay). Although the risk of one of these exploding is pretty tiny,
if they did then the outcome would be cataclysmic (think of Chernobyl and Fukushima). Even
more to the point though, disaster is much more likely to strike at a nuclear power
plant than from a weapon that isn’t even loaded.
Why
don’t the Nationalists preach about these potentially catastrophic nuclear facilities instead? Whatever
their reasons, it seems that the Nats are just as bad as – and in many ways,
are worse than - the Westminster politicians they so often berate.
As for
the Nats’ argument that Scotland is Westminster’s "nuclear dumping ground,” that could not be more ridiculous. Nuclear weapons are UK-wide,
not just in Scotland. In fact, the majority of the UK’s nuclear arsenal is in
England, so the Nats’ bold claim that Scotland is some kind of radioactive rubbish
chute is pure fantasy.
Faslane
was chosen as one of the UK's nuclear submarine locations during the height of the Cold War – the West’s long
dispute with Russia and the inspiration for loads of awesome spy movies. The base’s
secluded position at the entrance to the sea and the fact that it's deep enough to house its very own Nessie made it the perfect
geographical location for stealth and safety.
Where
it lies allows for quick, sneaky access through the North Channel to the
sub-patrolling areas in the North Atlantic - the so-called GIUK (Greenland, Iceland, UK)
gap to the Norwegian Sea.
Quite possibly one of the silliest things we’ve heard about Trident has come from the wee mouth of Nicola Sturgeon (we see her so often we’re beginning to think she actually lives inside our TV). When asked what would happen to the thousands of Faslane workers in the event of relocation, the Deputy First Minister – on several occasions – has stated that they would still be employed.
Transferring the workers of Faslane into brand new defence-related jobs would be like hiring a plasterer to do a joiner’s job because they both work in the building trade.
Quite possibly one of the silliest things we’ve heard about Trident has come from the wee mouth of Nicola Sturgeon (we see her so often we’re beginning to think she actually lives inside our TV). When asked what would happen to the thousands of Faslane workers in the event of relocation, the Deputy First Minister – on several occasions – has stated that they would still be employed.
So
is there going to be some kind of naval-base-themed amusement park with all
these people employed as actors? A sort of Faslane museum about ‘Scotland’s
nuclear past’? No. According to the Nationalist Government, the deserted site
will become the base for a separate Scotland’s defence force; hence, the
workers of Faslane will nicely fall into the new jobs created.
This
is mind-boggling. According to this logic, if someone works in the MoD, they
can turn their hand to anything defence-related.
When
Little Britannia was a struggling student, we had a part-time job selling
double glazing. But just because we could sell windows, didn’t mean we could
fit them. Or make them for that matter.
Transferring the workers of Faslane into brand new defence-related jobs would be like hiring a plasterer to do a joiner’s job because they both work in the building trade.
Perhaps
the most obvious thing to consider is that nuclear weapons exist and ridding
Scotland of them will not make them magically disappear from the rest of the
world.
From
the moment Otto Hahn and Fritz Strassman discovered nuclear fission, the
technology to develop weapons of mass destruction has been in our hands
(unfortunately not always the best hands, mind).
Scotland
can’t
ignore this fact by sticking its fingers in its ears and legging it. We
cannot un-discover
atomic bombs so would it not be more logical to use our global influence
and power as a strong United Kingdom to help rid the world of these
weapons instead?