The independence debate on Question Time was more like a chimps' tea party

After the spectacular let down of the hot air balloon that was the White Paper, we were treated to a Question Time special on the upcoming Scottish Independence Referendum.

Unfortunately, what was supposed to be a mature, factual debate, turned out to be more like a chimps’ tea party; one in which only the Nats were allowed to make the after-dinner speeches.

Among the guests, representing the Unionist side, were Secretary of State for Scotland Alistair Carmichael, former Scottish Conservative Leader Annabel Goldie and Shadow Scottish Secretary Margaret Curran; while the party poopers included Salmond’s loyal sidekick Nicola Sturgeon, Scottish Green Leader Patrick Harvey and, rather randomly, singer Eddi Reader.

Annabel Goldie, typically articulate and professional, and Alistair Carmichael, polite and calm, tried their best to get at least a few words in over the rabble, but it was clear that the Nats wanted to be the heads of the table.

Wee Nicola certainly wanted to have her piece of cake, as well as that of everyone else, as she continually rattled on over and above anyone who dared to speak, even poor Dimbleby. 

Also wielding her fury at the table was a rather pissed-off Eddi Reader, whose self-proclaimed passion must have been absolutely terrifying for those sitting in the front row.

Margaret Curran was undoubtedly the star of the show and handled the bickering with unfazed ease, even when she was confronted with the old: “Why don’t you vote yes if it means we’ll be rid of the Tories?”

The Nats always like to play ‘The Evil Tories’ card when they’ve got no caps left in their toy guns, but Margaret Curran’s careful response put them in their place when she explained that that’s what democracy is.

The White Paper: Fact or fiction? The people of Scotland deserve more honesty

It’s been the most anticipated document in Scotland since the final Harry Potter instalment; a book of revelations and the Nationalists’s big chance to set out their vision in black and white – the long awaited White Paper.

Ever since the SNP seized a majority at Holyrood, it’s been the smug retort of many a Nat when confronted with a difficult question: “Just wait until the White Paper comes out, and then all will be revealed.”

So, what was the big secret? What was it the Nationalists knew that the rest of us didn’t? Erm, nothing, it turns out.

Just like when Indiana Jones’ nemesis, Rene Belloq, opened the Ark of the Covenant and found only sand (before things went really mental) the much-hyped about White Paper failed to reveal anything new or exciting. (Incidentally, the sand in the Ark soon turned into something much more sinister).

The Nats built-up this long-overdue blueprint as if it was the latest must-have action figure but alas, it’s merely a regurgitation of the same bold assumptions. What was essentially the SNP’s golden opportunity to put to sleep any uncertainties once and for all has turned out to be about as factual as the Loch Ness Monster. 

Apparently we’ll keep the pound, even though that’s ultimately not up to us, but hey, we won’t tell the voters that. And when that’s rejected? Eh, we’ll worry about that later.

We’ll join the EU under our own terms even though we’ve been warned otherwise from the actual, real-life EU, but again we’ll keep that one quiet and if anyone asks, we’ll just tell them porkies or accuse them of scaremongering – even if they are the Prime Minster of Spain. 

Trident will be banished from our shores forever but we’ll still be able to join NATO entirely under our own conditions.  

We’ll use our magic to deliver a range of policies to make Scotland a better place, a modern day Camelot . . . . but we’re not telling you how much that will cost or how the hell we’ll pay for it unless you vote yes.

The people of Scotland deserve to be told the full facts of what independence actually means in the cold light of day, not the bits the SNP want us to know. It’s the future of our country and our lives we’re talking about here, not what’s in that vegetable soup you’re trying to get a fussy kid to eat.

Most baffling of all are the claims that health and education will be improved if Scotland is freed of the evil chains of Westminster. Er, don’t the Scottish Government realise that they have the power to do that already? Of course they do. But they won’t do it unless you vote in their favour. It’s oor baw and we’re no playin’.

Alistair Darling summed up the White Paper nicely when interviewed on the BBC’s Daily Politics: "There is nothing in it that we didn't know yesterday."

So there it is, the long-awaited White Paper. If there’s any pledge from this glorified Christmas wish list that can be fulfilled, it is that of a greener Scotland - at 667 pages, it'll save you on loo roll.