Ground control to Nat HQ - the UK is Hunky Dory

 Bowie's message to Scotland at the Brits

David Bowie. Could he get any more awesome? It seems he can. Unless you've been in outer space with the Scottish Nationalists, you'll have heard that the music legend has spoken out in favour of the United Kingdom. Through supermodel Kate Moss at the 2014 Brit Awards, he urged: "Scotland - stay with us."

But saying anything against the SNP's beloved dream is strictly forbidden and soon the Cybers from Mars were all over Bowie's Facebook and Twitter pages quicker than you could say "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am."

The insults ranged from the disappointed to the angry to the downright rabid rage of expletive-ridden incoherence. 

Even poor Kate got torn to shreds - reminiscent of the poor messenger who was executed by the Armenian Tigranes II for bringing him news of the imminent Roman invasion. In Nationalist Scotland, we're not only prohibited from expressing an opinion, we're also damned if we pass it on.

Let's just hope that Bowie and Moss realise that these vile attacks are not representative of Scotland as a whole and most of us were horrified when we read the online abuse.

Of course, all this aggro could just be the result of desperate people clinging to a flailing campaign that's sinking in the quicksand. In the space of one week, the Nats have not only had their currency hopes smashed, but their whole objective has been undermined by the coolest man who fell to earth.

Meanwhile, Alex Salmond has been uncharacteristically quiet on the matter. Poor Eck. His dying dream is through, and there's nothing he can do.

Bank of England Governor shatters Salmond's currency dream, yet still the Nats won't accept the truth

 A selection of front pages following the Governor's speech [pic by Better Together]

Aww, poor wee Alex. His dreams of a nice fluffy currency union, where two friendly neighbours - Scotland and the rest of the UK - willingly share the pound sterling and live happily ever after, have been trashed.

This week saw the Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carney, confirm what nearly every monetary expert and their granny has been saying for donkeys - that Scotland would have to agree to the UK's terms regarding tax and spending and that it would have to give up control of its interest rates.

When Little Britannia was even more little, we had our own wee savings account at the local TSB. We were given a shiny blue book with a smiling squirrel on the front and a nice sticker that said we were "members" of the bank. Despite that, plus the added bonus of a free pen, we couldn't exactly pop in on our own and withdraw cash whenever we wanted the next Beano annual. Little Britannia's Mum or Dad would have to come in with us and sign something - and that was only if our latest tantrum had managed to persuade them first. Ultimately, we had no control over my finances. 

To put it into plain English: a vote for independence would actually mean more dependence, certainly where our money is concerned. A currency union would result in less powers for Scotland; the very opposite of what the SNP are trying to achieve. This is totally mind boggling - but then again, they have changed their minds about NATO and the EU enough times so who knows what they want now?

Perhaps the most astonishing outcome after Carney's speech was the way the Nats tried to spin what he said into a deluded win-win situation for them.

Every Nat we have spoken to seemed to dismiss the Governor's stern warnings and cling entirely to one statement: that a currency union was possible.

A volcanic eruption is possible. Eating an entire hippopotamus at one sitting is possible. Being knocked unconscious by a melon hurled through the air is possible. It doesn't mean these things are good for you or that you would want them to happen.

Salmond even went as far as to grin and pretend everything was all fine and dandy by pointing out that the Bank of England is an independent body. That is true, but it is also answerable to the Chancellor of the Exchequer. As part of the UK - and like them or not - we do have our own Scottish MPs fighting our corner for us down in Westminster. Independence would leave us with NO representation within the UK Government, and hence with no control over our finances. 

It doesn't matter how the Nationalists twist the Governor's words, the facts still point to a ludicrous scenario like a giant dart in Salmond's independence balloon. By separating and keeping the pound, Scotland is effectively walking away from the UK, leaving all its benefits and security behind, while one foot remains chained to Westminster. It seems that it's independence at any cost.

Look what came through my door at the taxpayers' expense

Those Nats are a crafty lot. Their latest trick has been to use that Great British institution, Royal Mail, to sneakily spread their message disguised among everyone's bills and Betterware catalogues.

This oversized postcard, which appears to show Victor Meldrew reading the SNP's White Paper at Arthur Fowler's allotment, arrived with my mail yesterday morning. Lots of my friends received variations of the same leaflet, all of them showing a person reading (or possibly hiding behind?) the White Paper.

It seems there's a whole series of these leaflets - a collect 'em all, like these football stickers you used to get. Personally, I'd rather roll mine up into a telescope and send it to Nat HQ with a note suggesting they use it to see what's right in front of them. Though maybe instead, they should make it into a hat and cover it in tinfoil to stop those Evil Westminster Tories penetrating their brains.

Fair enough, the Yes campaign has as much right to promote its cause as the rest of us, but look closely at the bottom right-hand corner of the leaflet and tell me what logo you see. Is it Yes Scotland's? No. The SNP? It's not.

It's the symbol of the Scottish Government.

That's correct. The SNP, which constantly paints Westminster as the baddies, is using our hard-earned taxes to push its separatist agenda. To have the brass neck to suggest at this stage that separation is the view of the entire government, not just that of the SNP's, is somewhat worrying.

On a lighter note, this is what I think of their leaflet . . . .

The independence debate on Question Time was more like a chimps' tea party

After the spectacular let down of the hot air balloon that was the White Paper, we were treated to a Question Time special on the upcoming Scottish Independence Referendum.

Unfortunately, what was supposed to be a mature, factual debate, turned out to be more like a chimps’ tea party; one in which only the Nats were allowed to make the after-dinner speeches.

Among the guests, representing the Unionist side, were Secretary of State for Scotland Alistair Carmichael, former Scottish Conservative Leader Annabel Goldie and Shadow Scottish Secretary Margaret Curran; while the party poopers included Salmond’s loyal sidekick Nicola Sturgeon, Scottish Green Leader Patrick Harvey and, rather randomly, singer Eddi Reader.

Annabel Goldie, typically articulate and professional, and Alistair Carmichael, polite and calm, tried their best to get at least a few words in over the rabble, but it was clear that the Nats wanted to be the heads of the table.

Wee Nicola certainly wanted to have her piece of cake, as well as that of everyone else, as she continually rattled on over and above anyone who dared to speak, even poor Dimbleby. 

Also wielding her fury at the table was a rather pissed-off Eddi Reader, whose self-proclaimed passion must have been absolutely terrifying for those sitting in the front row.

Margaret Curran was undoubtedly the star of the show and handled the bickering with unfazed ease, even when she was confronted with the old: “Why don’t you vote yes if it means we’ll be rid of the Tories?”

The Nats always like to play ‘The Evil Tories’ card when they’ve got no caps left in their toy guns, but Margaret Curran’s careful response put them in their place when she explained that that’s what democracy is.

The White Paper: Fact or fiction? The people of Scotland deserve more honesty

It’s been the most anticipated document in Scotland since the final Harry Potter instalment; a book of revelations and the Nationalists’s big chance to set out their vision in black and white – the long awaited White Paper.

Ever since the SNP seized a majority at Holyrood, it’s been the smug retort of many a Nat when confronted with a difficult question: “Just wait until the White Paper comes out, and then all will be revealed.”

So, what was the big secret? What was it the Nationalists knew that the rest of us didn’t? Erm, nothing, it turns out.

Just like when Indiana Jones’ nemesis, Rene Belloq, opened the Ark of the Covenant and found only sand (before things went really mental) the much-hyped about White Paper failed to reveal anything new or exciting. (Incidentally, the sand in the Ark soon turned into something much more sinister).

The Nats built-up this long-overdue blueprint as if it was the latest must-have action figure but alas, it’s merely a regurgitation of the same bold assumptions. What was essentially the SNP’s golden opportunity to put to sleep any uncertainties once and for all has turned out to be about as factual as the Loch Ness Monster. 

Apparently we’ll keep the pound, even though that’s ultimately not up to us, but hey, we won’t tell the voters that. And when that’s rejected? Eh, we’ll worry about that later.

We’ll join the EU under our own terms even though we’ve been warned otherwise from the actual, real-life EU, but again we’ll keep that one quiet and if anyone asks, we’ll just tell them porkies or accuse them of scaremongering – even if they are the Prime Minster of Spain. 

Trident will be banished from our shores forever but we’ll still be able to join NATO entirely under our own conditions.  

We’ll use our magic to deliver a range of policies to make Scotland a better place, a modern day Camelot . . . . but we’re not telling you how much that will cost or how the hell we’ll pay for it unless you vote yes.

The people of Scotland deserve to be told the full facts of what independence actually means in the cold light of day, not the bits the SNP want us to know. It’s the future of our country and our lives we’re talking about here, not what’s in that vegetable soup you’re trying to get a fussy kid to eat.

Most baffling of all are the claims that health and education will be improved if Scotland is freed of the evil chains of Westminster. Er, don’t the Scottish Government realise that they have the power to do that already? Of course they do. But they won’t do it unless you vote in their favour. It’s oor baw and we’re no playin’.

Alistair Darling summed up the White Paper nicely when interviewed on the BBC’s Daily Politics: "There is nothing in it that we didn't know yesterday."

So there it is, the long-awaited White Paper. If there’s any pledge from this glorified Christmas wish list that can be fulfilled, it is that of a greener Scotland - at 667 pages, it'll save you on loo roll.